I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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