thus making me awesome and them whores
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
