paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
