its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
