A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I stole a fireplace last night.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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