How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
