she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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