I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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