You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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