I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
