She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
