That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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