please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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