I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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