That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
