He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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