are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
