the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
