Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
