He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
