Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
