just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
