BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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