I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
