I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
