My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
