Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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