he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
