The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
