Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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