I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
