the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
