You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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