First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize