thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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