and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...