i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
