And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
