The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
