He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
