who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
