im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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