i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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