You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
