You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
