tell your sister to shave her snatch
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
