I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
