were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.