and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not