Farmville is her only friend.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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