I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
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I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel