____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
