dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize