We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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