Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
