i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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