i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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