The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
