i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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