i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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