Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
