I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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