Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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