we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
