no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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