Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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