We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
